You Don't Need Confidence First

Last week, I wrote about one of the most interesting podcasts I've listened to in a long time, an interview with Ellyse Perry on The Imperfects. One idea that stayed with me was that confidence often follows action, rather than coming before it.

But another part of the conversation caught my attention.

Perry spoke openly about experiencing anxiety and social anxiety. I suspect many listeners, myself included, were surprised. After all, how can someone who performs in front of thousands of people and competes on the world stage experience social anxiety?

Yet perhaps that's exactly the point.

One of the myths many of us carry is that confidence comes first. We think we need to feel comfortable, certain, or ready before we put ourselves out there. But life rarely works that way. More often, confidence grows because we're willing to show up, even when we feel anxious.

Anxiety Doesn't Always Look the Way We Expect

Many people imagine someone with anxiety as shy, withdrawn, or unable to cope. In reality, anxiety can affect anyone. People with anxiety can be parents, leaders, professionals, athletes, and friends. They can appear calm and capable on the outside while battling worries and self-doubt on the inside.

Anxiety is something people experience. It isn't who they are.

We also tend to think of confidence and anxiety as opposites. They're not.

Someone can feel comfortable giving a presentation but dread attending a social event. They might support everyone around them yet find it difficult to ask for help themselves. They may seem outgoing and relaxed, but spend hours afterwards replaying conversations and wondering whether they said the wrong thing.

Confidence in one area of life doesn't automatically transfer to every other area.

Social Anxiety Is Often Misunderstood

People with social anxiety are not necessarily antisocial. In fact, many genuinely want connection and enjoy spending time with others. They are often caring, thoughtful, and highly aware of other people. Relationships matter to them.

What they fear is not people themselves, but the possibility of embarrassment, criticism, rejection, or saying the wrong thing. They're not avoiding people because they don't care. They're trying to protect themselves from feeling judged or rejected.

Why Avoidance Keeps Anxiety Going

To cope with these fears, many people begin avoiding situations that make them uncomfortable. They might decline invitations, stay quiet in meetings, let phone calls go to voicemail, or avoid starting conversations.

In the short term, avoidance brings relief. But over time, it teaches the brain that those situations must have been dangerous. As a result, anxiety tends to stick around.

Avoidance helps us feel better today, but often keeps anxiety alive tomorrow.

Confidence Isn't the Absence of Anxiety

One thing I appreciated about Perry's honesty was that it challenged the idea that confident people never feel anxious.

Feeling anxious doesn't mean something is wrong. And confidence isn't the absence of anxiety.

Most of us don't need to wait until anxiety disappears before we begin living our lives. We don't need to become different people, and we don't need endless confidence.

The goal isn't to eliminate anxiety completely. It's learning that anxiety and confidence can exist side by side.

Because confidence isn't something we need before we begin.

Confidence is something we build along the way.

Sometimes, all we need to do is keep showing up.